Our Real Life: January 2011

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

from style like you. they are Topshop.

20 questions to ask yourself.

1. What questions should I be asking myself?
Am I happy? Am I financially secure? What should I be working on in order to grow emotionally? How is my self-esteem?
2. Is this what I want to be doing?
This, being work, is probably one of the more fullfilling things that I have in my life at the moment. It is what I want to be doing right now, because it pays the bills.
3. Why worry?
Because I have no other way of dealing with my anxiety about what is going on in my life. What if things don't turn out okay? What if I get hurt?
4. Why do I like {being alone} more than I like {being around people}?
Because people will let you down, and get in your way. They will make you feel bad about yourself and try to be better than you.
5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?
I want people to remember me and know that I helped make the world a brighter place to live in. I want to help people.
6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?
I want to have grown to be less sensitive to what happens to me in the external world. I want to regain the sense of wonder and beauty and possibility that I had as a child but lost as a teen.
7. Are {skinny women} better people?
I would like to think so, but I have met some pretty mean skinny women. They know they are beautiful so they care less about the way that they treat people. This behavior is re-enforced by society, which is more lenient towards beautiful women...so I guess yes they are better.
8. What is my body telling me?
My body is telling me nothing at the moment. Most of the time it is telling me that I am anxious.
9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
I am trying to downsize, but I don't have much stuff as it is.
10. What's so funny?
Nothing, really.
11. Where am I wrong?
I am not sure. I assume I am wrong a majority of time, because I would rather believe what I want than know the truth. The truth hurts.
12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
I am bartering the memory of mutual love and respect for scraps of shallow affection, and the profit is not worth the price, but is better than being alone.
13. Am I the only one struggling not to {cry} during {love songs}?
I assume not, but it still sucks.
14. What do I love to practice?
I love to practice drawing.
15. Where could I work less and achieve more?
I honestly don't know...I am working hard at everything I do, and achieving as much as I could. I feel like working less would be the opposite of effective.
16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?
I could move back in with my parents and never leave the house again. That would be no kind of life however, and one I intend not to live. I can never be absolutely safe, and that scares me.
17. Where should I break the rules?
Whenever possible.
18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants...then what?
Then I could build myself a panic room and finally be absolutely safe. Who said money can't buy happiness?
19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?
They are hurting.
20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?
No, but it is the path I must take in order to get to where I want to be...I hope.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Yesterday was a weird, scary day for me. I was having all sorts of physical symptoms like chest pain and heart palpitations, and come to find out it was and is due to stress. I had two anxiety attacks and finally went in to see a doctor this morning. he put my mind at ease that I was okay physically, which is what I was worried about, and advised me to go back to counseling and try a new medication for the stress. Today I can still feel the slight tinge in my left shoulder/chest region, but for the most part I feel so much better. I have not had a cigarette since Monday and I feel really good about it. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong today has, it seems like, but at the moment I am choosing not to get upset about it. After a certain point it is no longer worth it. I will continue to exersize, and eat more healthy things, probably continue NOT smoking, and relax. :)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

To so many things that have happened in my life recently, my response has just been, "whatever". I am not filled with apathy but simply with a suspended belief in pretty much anything. I cannot rely on any one scenario to play out. my life is completely unpredictable at the moment, and it is a scary feeling. I am trying to ride the wave and accept the things that are thrown my way, but I can tell the stress is starting to take a toll on me mentally and physically. I am not sure what to do about it. I am hoping that like other unpleasant experiences in my life, this too shall pass.