I have realized that in my quest to get through life without getting hurt, I have only allowed myself to be hurt by the regret I feel for not taking chances. Playing it safe will get you nowhere but the grave with a head full of regrets. We are all going to die eventually, and then what will all that hurt and pain amount to? Nothing, because dead people don't feel pain. So I will instead not give a fuck about the hurt and the pain and do whatever it is that makes me happy.

For those of us who often find ourselves deprived of a lighter.

Times change

I am finally feeling like I am coming out of my slump, which is good because school is rapidly coming to a close and the pressure is on in many ways. I am pressured to finish my work for classes and also to pack in as many college rites of passage in the next two months as humanly possible. I really want to go to this festival that happens every year; Chickenfest. It's held in a secret location every year in the woods of Maine. I really hope I get to go, because after this year I have doubts about whether I will still be in Maine.

I just feel like lately I haven't been getting into enough trouble. I have been playing it safe in a lot of ways, emotionally and physically. I have remained in a holding pattern for someone who would rather "have fun" than actually take the time to get to know me and spend time with me in a way that is emotionally meaningful to me. Just fucking someone can be very lonely. Almost more lonely than being alone. Well I think I have had enough. I am done waiting. I want action. I want to live.

This is my goal from now on: Live for Me, and Only Me.

I have been pretty depressed lately, which is why you see all the emo blog posts instead of photos. Spose it doesn't matter much because no one follows me, but whatever. I am completely uninspired by anything I see. Life has lost most of it's color. Everything is bland and I don't have much hope for the future. I just wish that for once something good would happen to me. Until then.

It really sucks to go through day and night truly believing that everything you do and are simply is just not good enough.

The hardest times of the day are late at night and early in the morning. Those are the times when I cannot escape from the sharp sense of absence that fills my heart, that there is no one beside me to keep me warm and safe at night, and no face that will welcome me into the morning light. These are the times when my heart hurts the most.

VIKTOR VAUTHIER

Bill Hicks: My Top Five Favorite Quotes

William Melvin "Bill" Hicks (December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist, and musician. His humor challenged mainstream beliefs, aiming to "enlighten people to think for themselves."^[2] Hicks used a ribald approach to express his material, describing himself as "Chomsky with dick jokes",^[2] while conceding that his humor was "caring".^[3] His material largely consisted of general discussions about society, religion, politics, philosophy and personal issues. Hicks' material was often controversial and steeped in dark comedy. In both his stand-up performances and during interviews, he often criticized consumerism, superficiality, mediocrity and banality within the media and popular culture, describing them as oppressive tools of the ruling class, meant to "keep people stupid and apathetic."<sup>[4]   -Wikipedia 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Hicks


Bill Hicks is one of my favorite comedians ever. He didn't give a fuck what anyone thought about him, he just did and said whatever he wanted. He was also a genius. Here are my top five quotes form Bill Hicks, please go check out his stand up, your mind will be blown.</sup> 

1. "They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well – you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference^."
2. The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
3. ^{"Two Christians approached me after the show, and said 'hey buddy we're Christians and we didn't like what you said up there." so I said, "Forgive me?"}
4. They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fuckin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fuckin' Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.
5. "Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Sometimes you just have to laugh...

So...wow. Where to start. The shit has really hit the fan for pretty much every in my immediate social circle except for me. Boy doesn't this do wonders for my paranoia! My friend went to get a tattoo, which was a quote, "Hope is a force of nature, don't let anyone tell you different." Instead the quote on his leg says, "hope is a face of nature..." Yes, the Tattoo artist wrote face. That's not even the worst thing. The guy I am hooking up with is the president of student government at my school, and he is being impeached. Also, my two best friends who lived together in an apartment are now homeless because their apartment went up in flames over the weekend. One of the friend's brother and his wife were also staying at that apt, because the wife just delivered her baby three months premature and they need to be in the area to be able to get rides to the hospital. On top of that, because the friend's brother had to give a statement to the police about the fire, the five-o ran his license and then arrested him monday morning due to a warrant for unpaid fines. He is due to deploy to Afghanistan in one month. Everyone is dropping like flies. My heart bleeds for my friends right now, and it hurts to know there is really nothing I can do because I am also a poor college student like the rest of them.

This little kid is me...except there is no one staring at me from afar. I'm just alone.