lolz

I miss a lot of things; my old job, my old life before college ended. I miss human contact most of all. I work in a sterile office environment, get out of work and do the same old tired things with the same old tired people day in and day out. I miss having someone to look forward to seeing, I miss being touched, hugged, kissed. I just want someone to love me, someone to hold me, someone to remind me that I still exist. I am starting to think I am a ghost. I miss feeling a man against my body, feeling his arms hold my body and feeling a man's lips press against mine. Is all this so much to ask for? I am beginning to feel as though it is... :(
-S

Wednesday October Twelfth, Two Thousand and Eleven.

It's almost the middle of October, and this is the first time I have laid eyes on this blog since August 18th, 2011, apparently. It was 4 days before I started my new job at a call center for a bank, and since then my life has pretty much consisted of working and sleeping and then repeating. I can't believe that this much time has gone by, because the past 6 and a half weeks have flown by. I have actually been out of training for about 6 days now and the experience has been crazy. I have learned a lot about myself; what I am capable of, what I'm not, how much of the information I actually managed to learn and retain, and how much less that information actually helped me once I was kicked out of the nest! That's is not to say the information was useless. It isn't. In fact I am required by law to know most if not all of it. It's just that the information itself in my job is useless if not properly handled. It is much more important to know how to talk to people, how to get the information you need to do your job, while at the same time providing someone with the information they need in order to maintain their lives. The thing I was most nervous about when I started this job was that at some point, it was inevitable that I would have to have a conversation with "that guy." That guy, is the guy you dread. If you have ever worked customer service in any capacity, you have probably met "that guy." He is the asshole that gets specifically routed right to you like a huge pile of dog shit wrapped in a gift box made out of rage and stupidity and hand delivered right to you. He is the guy that has decided that he is going to make you his personal punching bag, who will blame things on you, and aim his misguided rage over his own personal failings straight at you. He is the customer that thinks that if he is pushy and aggressive that he will get what he wants. He is the guy that can't understand the distinction between one person and a corporation. I have come to learn, that there are a lot of "that guys" in this world. I had always dreaded getting "that guy" because I was really uncomfortable with confrontation and always worried about what people thought of me. I was so afraid of being yelled at because I had not yet learned how to process negative emotions or criticism pointed at me, misdirected or otherwise. I was so afraid that someone would call me stupid, curse at me, threaten to sue me, get me fired, and so on. I had previously worked in tech support for three years, and got to a skill level where I could fairly quickly solve anyone's problem in a single interaction and they would think I was a wizard because people seem to think the Internet is magic. So making people happy was really easy, and on the occasion that I spoke to someone that belittled me or criticized me for not being good at my job, I took it very personally and I actually allowed it to bother me and bring me down. I welcomed occasions where others had said negative things to me or about me as opportunities to reaffirm my own beliefs that I was simply not good enough. In other words, if it was said about me, it must be true, because random stranger's assessments of my worth as a human being must be true. I never trusted my opinions and beliefs about myself, because I never trusted my own sanity and level of self-awareness. Well it turns out that if you talk to a lot of different people on a daily basis, the opposite is actually true. The moment you realize how varied people's responses to you are is the moment that you no longer place importance on other's criticisms in relation to your own self-image. If you learn the rules of your job and follow them to the letter and keep yourself in line, and you project self-confidence because you speak with conviction, then you will be less and less bothered when people don't like what you have to say. If it's your job to do something, then you do it, be consistent, and do it right. Customers tend to start by coming at me by including me in the "you people" that have screwed her over, wasted her time, stole her money, wanted to take her things, etc. Most of the time I am able to take that criticism as an opportunity to distinguish myself by being clear, concise, and helpful. Tone of voice is everything, and projecting indecision, hesitation, or frustration in your voice is the fastest way to make someone even angrier than they were before they even met you. If you allow the person to vent their frustrations, and tell you about their experiences; if you Listen, and do not speak, they will think you care. If you empathize with their emotions, and you relate to them, they will remember that you are a person. Its a weird mix of a struggle for dominance and a very subtle form of manipulation where I convince you I am helping you while at the same time getting all the information I need to do my job, and making it seem like we're just having a conversation. When I am asked a question, I make sure I know the answer, and I make damn sure that I say the answer with conviction, even if you don't like my answer. Having this job has opened my eyes to the failings of others, and some people's inability to face reality. There are those that feel entitled to certain things that they shouldn't feel entitled to. They agreed to an arrangement without first being absolutely sure they would be able to fulfill their end of the deal. They failed to factor in the unpredictability of their own lives. They made the mistake of thinking that things would never change. Do you know where you'll be, WHO you will be in 30 years? I fucking don't, that's for sure. I wouldn't even bet on 6 months from now, and I conduct my life accordingly. I know I will be held responsible for my actions, and my failure to successfully function within the current system even if it is flawed, is no one's fault but my own. I have no right to expect perfection of a system created by imperfect people, and in order to repair and improve a system is to alter the existing structure. Push from the inside a little at a time, fight for what's right and exemplify the values you personally hold, and maybe someday you will have done some small part in improving the human condition. But for now, you cannot be expected to fix the entire thing yourself, so if anyone tries to place that responsibility on your shoulders, you know they are retarded. Realizing the humanity in others allows you to better accept your own humanity. I have managed to assimilate this belief almost completely into my psyche, but there are some days where I forget, temporarily, and allow my ego to get the better of me.

Lawsuit alleges Missouri school expelled girl for making rape claim-CNN

(CNN) -- A lawsuit filed against a Missouri school district alleges that officials failed to protect a female student from repeated sexual assaults from a male student, and at one point expelled her for reporting the alleged attacks.
A rape examination proved that the girl was telling the truth, and the male student pleaded guilty to charges related to the attack, the suit alleges.
In a response filed in court, the Republic School District in Greene County, Mo., denied the allegations and called the lawsuit "frivolous."
The lawsuit, filed in July, alleges that the girl was a special education student at a Missouri middle school in the 2008-2009 school year when she told officials about harassment, sexual assaults and a rape by a male student.
School officials told her that her story was not credible, and told her mother that she had recanted the story, the suit alleges.
The suit alleges that school officials made the girl write an apology letter and deliver it to the boy -- without consulting with the girl's mother.
She was then expelled for the rest of the school year and reported to juvenile authorities for allegedly filing a false crime report.
She was allowed to come back to school the next year and her mother urged school officials to protect her from the male student. School officials denied the request, the suit alleges.
"During the 2009-2010 school year, (the girl) was terrified that she would be sexually harassed, assaulted , or raped again at school, and was unable to sleep many nights," the suit says.
Though she tried to avoid the boy, she was harassed again. She did not report this because she was scared that school officials would not believe her.
In February 2010, the same boy grabbed her, dragged her to the back of the school library and raped her again, the suit alleges.
"School officials approached (the girl's) claims with the same skepticism as the year before, even going so far as to state that they had 'already been through this,' " the suit states.
The girl's mother took her to a child advocacy center that confirmed that a sexual assault occurred and DNA evidence found in the girl matched the male student, the suit alleges.
The male student was "taken into custody in Juvenile Court and pleaded guilty to charges brought against him," the suit says.
The suit does not state the exact charges the male student allegedly pleaded guilty to.
Despite the results of the test, the girl was suspended from school for what the school called "disrespectful conduct" and "public display of affection," the suit claims.
School officials did not respond to CNN's attempts to get comments, but the school district released a statement on its website.
"It is important to remember that the allegations in a lawsuit are just that -- allegations. The district has filed an answer denying the allegations," part of the statement said. "The district cannot discuss confidential student matters and does not comment on pending litigation."

The lawsuit seeks punitive damages, but did not state a specific dollar amount being sought.

Taken from CNN.com Missouri School District Expels Girl for Claiming Rape

Without being aware, I have constructed a wall around myself. It was once easily scaled, no taller than a white picket fence, but now, my wall is very high, and made of the thickest concrete. My wall is so high that what once was meant to keep people out has made me a prisoner; trapped inside myself.

Rest assured that even if the person never knows who you are, If you use your anonymity on the Internet to harrass, insult and degrade people, YOU ARE STILL A HORRIBLE PERSON. 


**On a related topic, people need to learn some fucking manners. Don't think for a second that insulting me or anyone for that matter, about their looks or about something they said will ever make you feel better about the empty black hopelessness that currently resides where your soul should have been. 

Fight the Power!!!!! I wish I knew this lady :)

damn straight

Beauty..

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